Yesterday You Said Tomorrow

 

Wow. Reviewing my past posts makes this one seem a little lot pathetic. You'd think with all that resolve, all that planning and all that motivation I would be a Champion by now. At least. But nope, here I am, January 1, 2012 starting yet again. But for some crazy reason I'm not looking at myself tonight as a failure, as someone who can't keep her commitments, who has never really finished.

Tonight I'm looking 12 weeks down the road and seeing a girl who - maybe for the first time in her life - will have finished something totally and completely amazing. She has always had the strength inside to make it happen but has let doubt, fear and pure laziness get in the way. Not this time. This time my mantra is going to be Finish What You Started. It's going to be about progress, not perfection. I'm taking small steps in a marathon, not a quick sprint and stopping short of the finish line. Heck, I've done the marathon, people! If I can do that, if I can finish that, I can certainly finish this too.

I've got my planning binder all prepared, meals planned for the family for the week and the workout sheet filled out and ready to go. I'm not even gagging thinking about all the cottage cheese and fish I'm going to get to eat over the next 84 days (and forever, really. Let's face it - this has got to be a lifestyle change). But what is really getting me ready for tomorrow is the before photos and the measurements I just did. Yikes. I guess you never look in the mirror and see that person. I'm at my heaviest weight since my son was about a year old, more even than when I was a few months pregnant with my daughter. My daughter turns one year old in 3 weeks and I'm hoping by then I will be back down to the weight I was when I came home from the hospital after she was born. Yes, you read that right. I weigh more now that after having a baby. Yup, motivation!

So let's bring on today and start being proud tomorrow.

84 Days

Carry Me There One More Time

I've had this song on my ipod forever, but usually skip it when it comes on. A few weeks ago I really listened to the words and I've loved it's message ever since. I have victories to taste...

What do you think?? Inspiring??

Oh sweet lungs don't fail me now
Your burning has turned into fear
That trails me in my every step, I'm moving quick but you're always on my heels

Just one more breath, I beg you please
Just one more step, my knees are weak
My heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive
My heart is sturdy but it needs you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?

Steady lungs, don't fail me now
I feel you bursting but you won't let me die
Fill me up with every step
I'm feeling sick, but I'm leaving it behind

Just one long breath I beg you please
Just one more step you are not weak
My legs are sturdy but they need you to survive
My heart is sturdy but I need you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
And know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there once more?

I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste
I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips and in my chest
I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat
I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fueled by my resolve to

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time? 

Unprepared

Today, on the eve of my second attempt at my first challenge I ran a half marathon.

Here's how things typically go for me. I'm in pretty decent shape; like half-marathon-running-in-a-respectable-time kind of shape. But, somewhere along the line I get into my head that I'm ready, that I'm above the challenge, that I have "earned" the right to go easy on myself. Like eat junk food and stop running every day for two weeks before a race I've been training months for. 

Who binges the few days before a challenge starts? Who stops exercising and takes up living on the couch right after resolving to exercise more? Who eats a bowl of ice cream while watching the latest episode of "The Biggest Loser?" Who adds junk to the shopping cart on top of all the healthy snacks? Who skips going to the gym simply because they didn't feel like it today??

Who does that? Who just takes all their hard work and throws it out the window?

I've done it a million times and every single time I've regretted it. I hate that feeling when I do something that I've prepared pretty well for but I'm not satisfied because I knew it wasn't my best and that I could have done better.

Like today, with the half. I really to be under two hours. But there were hills and they were much, much more challenging than I was expecting, so I walked a little more than I had planned to. No biggie, almost everyone was walking. And then the mile markers were blown over so I had a hard time gauging how far I'd come and how much I still had to go. And I couldn't see the finish line, even when I was right at the end. And plus, I was really close to my goal, only missed it by 8 minutes, which is great considering how hard the course was.

Every excuse is a choice to fail.

Not this time. Failure (aka excuses) are not an option. On September 27, perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and know that I gave it everything I had and that I don't have any excuses for what I did or didn't do. I'm going to do my best, period. And I'll never know how far I'll go until I give it all I got!

Motivation

Brandon has been away at Officer Development School for over two weeks now. We miss him so badly. It's the longest we've been apart in our marriage so far. The only thing close to this was for a week after we'd been married seven months and we'd just found out we were expecting our first baby and hadn't told anyone yet. I cried myself to sleep every night. This time around, it hasn't been that dramatic, but lonely and heartwrenching nonetheless. Seeing how much the kids miss their Papa makes my heart break too, although they're padding the pain of separation just a little.

Today though I thought I might lose it. Brandon had liberty for the weekend which meant Internet access and Skype! Seeing his face smiling back at me on the computer screen was so amazing! While he was talking with his sister, he asked her to turn the camera so he could look at me while she talked. He went on and on about how beautiful he thought I looked, complimenting me on my hair, my tan, my outfit... His smile showed me how in love he is with me, imperfections, weaknesses and all.

Unlike myself, when Brandon puts his mind to something there is no way he'll back down or give up. He is committed, loyal and extremely complimentary. I first want to change for myself, to prove to myself that I can do this. And then right next I want to transform for him, to make it all the way there once and for all and to be the person that this amazing man deserves to have by his side.  No more of this hot man with an averagely decent wife. Nah, time for us to be that super hot couple we're all jealous of, who is so in love it makes us sick. Yup, that's exactly what I want.

Back in the Saddle

Well, this post is indication that old habits die hard. Like my many previous failed attempts, I couldn't/didn't stick with it again.

This time things are going to change. I'm sick of excuses, I'm tired of starting and stopping and doing it over again and again and again. I'm finished doing things halfway and facing another tomorrow regretting today. I think know that this will be a real challenge and it's time to get real with myself about it. No more of that. None.

So here it is in black and white.

My reasons for making the decision to change:
I'm strong, but I know I could be stronger. I hate walking around, having people look at me and not putting my best foot forward. I want my outside appearance to reflect my inner strength. I want my inner strength to be reflected in the way I look and feel. I want other people to notice my strengths just by looking at me. I want to exude confidence and be the picture of happiness, health and strength. I want to stop living for tomorrow, stop dreaming up a future that will be better when..., start enjoying every moment I've been given and really live. I need to get to a happy place where I'm satisfied with me and so I can be the best I can be for those around me. And I say, the sooner the better. And now is pretty soon, isn't it?!

My most important, specific accomplishments needed, within 12 weeks, to be pleased with the progress of my body and life are:
Several times per day - Within 12 weeks I will loose 20 lbs of fat by stopping eating low-nutrient, high calorie foods. I'll stop eating to eat and start thinking of eating as a way to fuel my body to do what it was made to do.
Every day - Within 12 weeks, I will plan my meals and exercise in advance every day. I'll keep myself accountable by writing everything down and reviewing it.
Weekly - Within 12 weeks, I will be trained and toned to run a sub 4 hour marathon by not missing a single workout. When I need motivation, I'll read a BFL forum.
Monthly - Within 12 weeks, I will need an entire new wardrobe. I'll get rid of my old clothes once and for all.
Challenge - Within 12 weeks, I will be in control of my emotional eating. This will be a constant battle, but I'm confident I can overcome it if I work at it.

Just think, if I'd stuck with it the first time around, I'd be sitting here, finished my challenge and reflecting on how far I'd come. Huh. I'm done with dreaming. It's time to start transforming my reality into something a little more like the life of my dreams.

So, here's to jumping in with two feet and seeing what I can do!